Read
My Lips
The
sins of the father were visiting upon the son this week when Dubya
uttered the immortal words of Papa Smurf Bush: "Read my lips:
there will be no new taxes." The president went on to say
that, "We are too busy rounding up evil-doers to start in
on tax increases... especially for the big Texas oil companies,
that Cheney and I have stock in. We need to focus our energy on
pummeling other countries that harbor these evil-doer people until
every last evil-doer in the entire world is captured. This country
isn't about taxes and poverty and health care, it's about freedom.
Freedom to be able to play with our children in the streets. Freedom
to be able to take our families to church on Sundays. Heck, freedom
to be able to be stupid and oily enough to get elected president."
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Tyson
Channeling More Rage
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Mike
Tyson, recently in Cuba to find his "other self," went
nuts in a hotel lobby when he was confronted by several reporters
who wanted to know if there was any truth to the rumor that Tyson
is having an ongoing affair with psychic, Madam Cleo. Tyson, who
Cleo convinced is the reincarnation of Che Guevara, responded
by pulling two crystal balls out of his pants and began throwing
them at reporters, while simultaneously screaming out insults
in English, Spanish, and Quackery, thereby answering their question.
Hires New Model |
Gap
recently signed their latest model to be part of the new "Give
a Little Bit" campaign. The model will be edited into the
next set of commercials that feature rock stars singing and playing
along to Supertramp's original song. Mr. Tex-ass, as he calls
himself, will chime along with the instrument of his choice: the
spoons.
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A
President and His Dog
Former
President Clinton's dog, the beloved Buddy, was killed this week
when he ran into Chappaqua, N.Y. traffic. A suicide note was later
found at the Clinton's home that read: "I just can't adjust
to the New York lifestyle. All the territory is already marked
up by winos, strays and crackheads, and my Master and I no longer
have the golden ticket for chasing tail the way we did at the
White House. Forget fire hydrants, Where is a leg in a blue dress
when you need to hump it?"
When President Bush and his faithful dog Spot were informed of
the tragedy, Spot spoke for the both of them, "Our hearts
go out to the Clinton's in this time of excruiatingly painful
grief for their family. And trust me when I say, the only tail
being chased at the White House these days, is my own...and it's
really short."
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The
Mouth is Mightier Than the Penn
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If
thespian Sean Penn had his way, he would round up the troops and
begin dropping bombs on talk show hosts. Penn recently ranted
to Talk Magazine that, "I think that people like the Howard
Sterns, the Bill O'Reillys, and to a lesser degree the bin Ladens
of the world, are making a horrible contribution.'' He continued
on to say, "There's a long history of people who capitalize
on the lowest common denominator of people's impulses. Adolf Hitler
being one of them. Not everybody wants to hit the wall in a violent
rage and break their knuckles, so he does it for them."
When the bad boy was asked how his own violent knuckle-breaking
tendencies differ from the above, Penn replied, "Oh shut
the hell up you motherf*cker, before I put this cigarette through
your eye ball, yank it out with my fingers, do a Wolf Gang Puck
on it, and eat it for lunch."
O'Reily
took it all with a grain of salt after he received a phone call
from Penn's ex-wife, Madonna, telling him not to worry...unless
of course he gets a funny looking package in the mail with the
return address of: Osama Penn Laden, Hollywood, California.
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N'Sync
Blows Hollywood
George
Lucas has agreed to cast the five boy band'ers from N'Sync in
the next installment of Star Wars. It was reported that
Lucas was swayed into the decision by his two young adopted daughters,
but a spokeswoman for Lucas says, "that didn't have anything
to do with it." Next theory is that the N'Stink holes went
to another producer of the movie and offered "favors,"
asking for roles because they are big fans. Either way, they're
in, playing background extras in the film's climactic battle scene,
where they will be blown up by battle droids...thank god at least
aliens know how to deal with lip-N'sync-ing schmaltz mongers.
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Sex
& the City... Bitching and Moaning into the New Year
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The over-the-hill gang is back, and this time more pissier than
ever. In the first episode, after Samantha is tired of getting
turned down for nookie by every fireman and policeman in town,
she decides to get a sex change, telling her cauldron of bitter
wenches, "If you can't beat em', join em', girlfriend."
She then offers to step up to the the plate and play stunt c*ck
for Trey, causing Charlotte to run off and join the nunnery. After
shocking Char, she then sets her eyes on Carrie, telling her,
"I'm Mr. Big now, honey. Mr. Big Nine Inches. See it and
weep."
But
Carrie opts to stick with Aidan, and spends the entire season--trying
to hide from the camera the fact that she is getting haggard and
leathery looking--caking on more make-up than Tammy Faye Baker
at a Tallahassee beauty pageant.
In a related story, Parker's real life husband, Matthew Broderick
is said to be annoyed at Carrie's ongoing trysts on the show,
and therefore close to "producing" something other than
just stage magic with his current Broadway flame, Nathan Lane.
Springtime won't only be for Hitler if Parker doesn't play her
hand right.
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