WASHINGTON
- It's
Christmas time in the city...and that means Trent Lott has only
one carol left to sing...
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"You're
a mean one....Mr. Bush."
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And..This
Dweeb Just In...
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"The
only thing that Mr. Lott and I have in common is the same
barber. Oh yeah, and our love for fried chicken, watermelon
and the Coloreds."
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"How
dare he call them coloreds! 'Round here in the South,
we call them *#*#*&# ."
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WASHINGTON - That Darn Iraq |
In
a shocking news announcement, President Bush said that Saddam
Hussein missed his last chance to "come clean with the world"
after Iraq allegedly failed to comply with U.N. weapon's inspectors...OK,
Saddy, one question: Is your mail being delivered by the Camel
Express?
Or
maybe you just failed to read between the subtle lines?
| WASHINGTON
D.C. -Dog's Best Friend |
Hey
Kids! Check out the White House' website "Barney-cam'' yet?
The site drew the third biggest draw eva for the da people in
da house. Pictured below is a "still" from the PG-13
version...
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"Did
I ever tell you what a wonderful dog you are, Barney?"
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And
for $29.95 a month, the X-rated version...
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"Did
I ever tell you what a wonderful boner you have, Barney?"
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LOS ANGELES - Kind of sucks that after years of pointing the finger
at everyone but herself, Dr. Loudra is finally forced to get her
own f*cked up house in order.
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"I
looked in the mirror and said to myself: My mother was a
freak. Who cares who really whacked the bitch. Anyway, I'm
ready for my close up, Mr. Soprano."
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| NEW
YORK - Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Get Lost Please |
Liza
and Puppet Gest (his lips move, she farts) have decided to sue VH-1
because the Network backed out on the couple's reality series after
shooting only one episode. In their defense, VH-1 claims Gest was
a control freak and impossible to work with. In their offense, Liza
claims he's just a freak.
OK, it's Christmas time, people: Can we all just pitch in ONE DOLLAR
a piece and help VH-1 make these two pathetic clowns go away quickly?
So we're not subjected to a whole year of E! going Wild On them.
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"Surely
you, Gest--I mean, jest. What if I caught cancer, what about
the series then? I would do it to lift the morale of my
people--those five gay men in Frisco who still adore me."
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| THAILAND
- Him Ready to Sucky-sucky Hollywood Now |
Soft-porn
actor and winner of Survivor Thailand also took home another
prize: The John Tesh Sexiest Clone Award...
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"As
evidenced by some of my fine movies--like 'The Bearded Butt
Boy'--I'll do more than shave for your attention, Hollywood."
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| HOLLYWOOD
-Lord of the Popcorn |
In addition
to setting the all-time one day Box Office record on Friday,
Lord of the Rings also set the record for the longest popcorn
line at a single screening on a day when the moon was in its seventh
house, between the hours of two and two-fifteen in the afternoon,
when a famous filmmaker with really f*cking bushy eye brows was
seeing the reality of what his film was up against...
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"I
see dead people...and those are just the lowly junior
studio executives that I am going to pin my possible failure
on."
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All
right, all right. How can anything with Cameron Diaz in it
be deemed a failure, you ask? Of
course, the last time her hair looked this good in a film,
it was sporting Ben Stiller's Secret
Sauce in it.
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MIAMI
- And now a Christmas greeting from Rose McMurphy, the chairwoman
of the National Group of Parents Against the Commercialization
of Santa Claus...
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CUBA
- Plop Plop Fizz Fizz
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At the
annual Commie Cuban Christmas Bash, Sir Fidel reacts when Elian
breaks ranks to lead the entire nation in a rendition of the Mickey
Mouse Theme Song...
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"Aye
carumba...you can take the boy out of the Americas, but...damn,
I should have had his tongue cut out."
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| IOWA
-" Roll Out the Barrel..." |
And
for her Christmas present, Daddy's gonna buy her more than a rocking
chair. How about a f*cking wheel barrel?
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"As
long as he doesn't wheel me face down, I'm cool."
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UKRAINE
- Here Comes the Sun
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Because
the future of the Ukrainian Olympic Swim Team rests in their hands,
a Christmas vacation is out of the question for this group of
inmates...
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"Me
take banana out of shorts yet?"
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And
Now a Message from the Love Boat:
"Yo, Saddam the Sandflea,
Do not pass go or ride through the desert on a horse with
no name to try to escape us, because our horse has a name:
'Scud', and it will find you.
Happy Kwanza Day."
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For all of you celebrating Christmas--or as it's known to Evildoers:
Decadence Day--enjoy yourselves. Drink, eat and be daffy. We'll
see you next year.
-Comedy Ave.
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